So remember a couple days ago I wrote a post about 'Losing a guy in 10 days?' And how I thought it was a ridiculous concept and how I was going to go out and prove it wrong?
Well let me be the first to say, "I'm retarded!"
I went on that date- but it was more like, "Losing a girl- mid date- not ten days!" This is going to be one of those stories that lives on forever ....
The one about the Egyptian Olympic Boxer:
So, against all my intuition I went ahead and agreed to go out to dinner with the door guy from the bar my friend Erin and I frequent from time to time- with really no expectations. I don't really remember much about him, just that he was nice, asked for my number and in my intoxicated mind before I could even begin to say maybe- Erin had already busted out her phone and thrown me under the bus. So after a couple text messages and 1 phone call, We agreed to meet down in the west village between 6:30 and 7:00 pm for what i like to call a senior citizen dinner. Senior Citizen dinners are always best for first dates since you can get in early and if it goes well than you will do something afterwards but if not- You can get home early enough to watch the news, take a bath and go to bed (like a senior citizen)
Well .... I got home early last night ... real early.
Upon arriving at the meeting place I realized I was a bit early so I made my regular phone calls and caught up with some of my west coasters. After the final conversation I looked at the time and it had become 5 min to 7:00 pm- this guy was real late (sign #1) and he hadn't even called me with an update. After waiting till 7pm, I was convinced I was being stood up when he finally texts me he was on his way and not to leave. I then thought to myself, even if I do wait around for this guy-- how the heck will i even know what he looks like? This was a bad idea, a good foodie call but a bad idea all together.
Around 3 minutes later he shows up around the corner in a button up shirt, jeans and flip flops (with no sign a pedicure ever being near those feet) I said hi and then proceeded to walk with him towards which ever restaurant he has decided to take us to. Our walk consists of a bit of small talk:
him: "So thanks for meeting with me, you were just so beautiful when I saw you- i knew i had to take you out to dinner"
me: awkward silence ... "Soooo ... you live around here?"
him: "Yes, I have lived in the West 4th Area for the past 4 years. This to the right-- this is Washington Square Park-- a lot of people like to hang out here, it's pretty cool. Ever been here?
me: (thinking: It's Washington Square Park fool-- that's like asking if I have ever been to times square) "Yeah, I have a friend who lives a couple of blocks from here, so I come to this park often ...... So aside from the Bar, what exactly do you do?
him: ignoring me, "You know a lot of people don't really come to this park-- you always find a lot of students hanging out here. Oh to the right here-- this is NYU dorms-- this is why a lot of students hang out here.
me: Yes, I see that. I used to come down to this area a lot when I was in college-- So i know it pretty well.
The conversation of Tour guide and almost native new yorker went on for about 10 minutes until he finally got tired of me saying "Yes, i have been there before" to every tourist place imaginable he decided to talk about. The West Side Highway, Madison Square Park, Lower east side a couple restaurants-- all of them. Then Finally He says ....
him: "ohh ... but i thought you were from California-- that's what your ID said right?"
me: "Yes, I keep my California ID-- but I have lived in NY for the past 4 years ...
him: disappointed ... "Oh"
Then that's when it hit me. This fool thought I was either a tourist or newly allocated resident! I am completely ruining his routine by knowing everything he is going to say to me and shooting down some of his facts (its not my fault he is wrong). I slowly see his ego starting to deflate, so its good that we have made it to the restaurant.
As we walk into the famous Spanish restaurant, there really is no one around to bother us. We dive into a conversation about him and what he does/interest are. I find out he is the door guy at this bar on the weekends and was a semi-pro boxer for a couple years (apparently he even went to the Olympics in '96 but didn't metal), until he decided to exit his contract with his promoter-- which then sued him and now he is $43,000 in debted to him. Yes, ladies and gentlemen-- he ponied this information up on his own within the first 10 minutes. By the time our dinner showed up, he offered up the information that he never went to college and aside from boxing he doesn't really have any skills (these were his exact words) oh ... and he also doesn't really even like boxing- but only does it for the money.
w
o
w
Trying not to show my urgency to leave right then and there, I wait for him to finish talking and come up for air. He finally does and asks me what i think about the political elections.
are you kidding me? this is what he decides to come up with? not, tell me about your life or do you watch television or what did you think about this movie-- but politics???? i think it is a pretty good rule of thumb (that i hope everyone knows, if you don't please be schooled right now) that you never ever talk about politics or religion on a first date or even a second until you get comfortable with someone and know were they stand. right? or am i crazy? Any who ... before I even got a chance to make an opinion, he went ahead and started making his own about Mc Cain being an idiot (which i agree) and how Obama wasn't going to win because he is Black- so he wouldn't vote for him, if he could vote but he can't since he isn't a citizen.
me: So, do you have issue's with all African American people or just Obama?
him: I don't have a problem, i just don't think people in the south will vote for him, since there is issue there.
me: you do realize a majority of the population in the south is African American right?
him: no ...
Dinner ended after that. I thought to myself, I'm Free! yaaaay! When he said he had something else planned for me-- GREAT.
him: I bet you have never been on the west side highway? right by the water
me: Actually, I lived in battery park city for the past year, so i ran up and down the west side highway every other night
him: OOhh ... but I bet you never ran up to Christopher street, oh this to the left here is a great massage parlor- you should check it out it's rated one of the best in the city
me: Ummm ... actually yeah, I have been up and down the west side highway many times- since, like I said, I RAN IT EVERY OTHER NIGHT (thinking: Your not listening fool!) I would love to get a massage, but unfortunately they are just too expensive.
him: You can get a good massage in Chinatown- only like $60
me: does that come with a happy ending? no thank you-- I'm ok
him: Huh? i don't get it.
And so it went on and on and on. As we walked down the block he proceeded to point out everything around us, playing tour guide is really part of his routine.
him: See that white light over there, that's where the train stops. And this right here is a gym- its where people work out. Oh and that right there-- that's a mailbox, people send mail out there.
I was starting to think maybe he had gotten hit one to many times in his boxing career. Then he finally brought up the obvious-- the fact that we were in the middle of Chelsea with all types of gay/lesbian people around us.
him: So this is Chelsea- its where the gays hang out. See that girl right there-- i know you think its a girl, but its a boy. Be careful- don't get to close they might try and get you. I don't really mind those people--i just cant get to close to them cause those people might try something on me. They are ok as long as they stay away. (exact words)
That was it, I was so tired and over this date-- i just wanted to go home. He insulted my intelligence, some of my friends and seriously just needed to go away. I needed to say something or do something to shut him up. In order to be polite, I decided he had 30 minutes left of my time and then I was gone. So as we sat on a bench next to the water eating ice cream I thought of a way to shut him up and keep myself entertained as well.
me: You see that building over in the distance, that my favorite building in downtown. Its architecture resembles that of what you see in up state California- embarking on the 14th century Gothic period which is seen all over Australia .... yeah I've been to Australia 5 times .... i love to travel- I mostly travel when I go to tattoo conventions with my dad .... yeah i have 14 tattoos, mostly on my back and side of my stomach ... no you cant see them- they are personal .... what are they of?? (thinking:shit- I'm busted)- Ohhh its a reef of flowers down my side with my favorite bible passage (thinking: thanks Yanna for having a great tattoo!) ... yeah i'm very religious-- i go 3 times a week with my dad, actually i should be there now ... what does my dad do? Oh he is a doctor.
And it just poured out, one lie after another after another. I mean- he doesn't know my dad, how was he to know he was a truck driver. And he is never going to see me naked (if at all again) so he will never know about my non existent tattoo's. It was perfect. I got him to shut the fuck up and kept myself entertained. My perfect end to the evening had an addition to it went my phone rang. It was my friend Patty and she didn't know- bu she was about to be my get out of jail free card.
me: Hey girl whats up? .... wait what? .... are you ok?
patty: hey .... ya sure call me back.
me: (as patty hangs up) what ... you locked yourself out? oohhh ... ok im coming now. (i hang up the phone)
me: I'm sorry, I have to go now- my roommate forgot her keys
And that ladies and gentleman, is how you do it. In the end he walked me to the train station and tried to go in for a little more than a hug and i kind of shrugged and went the other way. He explained to me how this was the train I needed to take and that I would get off on the next stop and then go my own way- No shit! Dumb fuck-- I take this commute everyday! Finally ....
him: we should do this again, I had a good time.
me: Wow ... it's hot in this train station ... isn't ti funny how sometimes these stations can be so stuffy?
him: well, i guess i will wait for you to call me then?
me: oh look ... there is my train ... gtg. Thanks for dinner!
him: don't forget you only go up one stop and then you get offfff (door closes)
the end.
If you read this blog regularly you will now that I am a cougar. I am still pretty young so it hasn’t gotten to the glamorous stage like let’s say Ivana Trump, but I do what I can. Well after this most recent fresh out of college conquest I am rethinking the idea. It turns out I am not very patient and I would make a horrible babysitter! They don’t tell you that about Demi and Aston, I am SURE Demi is always coming behind Aston, “honey I need you to do another movie so you can pay some of these bills” or “ok the first time you called me drunk it was sweet, now it is turning into a problem” or even saying “you feel like you need to spend more time with your ‘boys’ but you don’t Aston, now come watch my kids” all these issue have to happen! Because dating a younger man is for women with out hobbies. Not that they aren’t busy but we all need something to do outside of work and I guess for some women raising a man child is that thing. I think I’m gonna look into DJing.. thoughts?
+ 
=
